Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

I think this should do it.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?