*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
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911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.
I love how women always smell good, and can complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil. Wait, that’s a burrito. I love burritos.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.