These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear


911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*


I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.


My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.


I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.


I love how women always smell good, and can complete you, and are sometimes wrapped in tinfoil. Wait, that’s a burrito. I love burritos.


How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.


As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.