These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
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There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?