These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
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I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.