These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
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Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
This is the best one I’ve seen
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.