These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
You Might Also Like
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
