These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
there’s probably a fee though
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I’ve had relationships like this
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.