These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
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Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
☠️ ☠️
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe