These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.