These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
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“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.