These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
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My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
The 6 types of sex
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
This a good idea
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.