These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
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There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
<- sleeps well with others
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
pls suprot
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
yeah no that’s fair
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.