These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
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Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
For the orator and chef in all of us
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
In Canada they just call them geese
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.