Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

step 6: release the wall snake

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

iPhone X

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.