These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
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Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.