Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Can’t, holding a grudge

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”

“OK, Daddy.”

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

This is my bus stop.