These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
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😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Bed should get ready for ME
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Good Morning.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Schrödinger’s cookie
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no