No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?