These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge

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My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.


I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.


Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?


The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.


[first day as a cop]

me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance

dispatch: copy that

me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer


Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.


Twitter was down for a couple of hours but I didn’t panic at all. I dialed 911 and calmly told them “people are about to die”. Then Hung up.


[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.


OMG my 5-year-old just put down her Legos and said “I was willing to give Joe Biden the benefit of the doubt from his time with Obama, but openly praising Dick Cheney, who orchestrated the legal precedent for torture, war crimes, and exacerbating global warming is disqualifying.”