these two trucks have the same bed length
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.