these two trucks have the same bed length
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[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master