these two trucks have the same bed length
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Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”