these two trucks have the same bed length
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.