Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

I can also cook 😂

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms