Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

How do some animals just abandon their young like that??

After kids:
[Watching nature documentary]

[Takes notes]

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.