These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church