These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
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Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.