These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
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shakira sharkira
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
“what that mouth do?” complain
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”