These work great until they don’t.
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*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
long lost
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I need a headline like this
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”