They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
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Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.