They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
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Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
What in the hipster hell is going on here
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.