Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

I hate my earbuds.

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry