They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
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I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
May never get over this
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.