Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

“i miss shittin on people”

My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.