They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
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ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president