Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To work on his pecks.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.