They also CAN sing✌️
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Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.