They also CAN sing✌️
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HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
He-man has a Masters degree
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
john wicks are toilet candles
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
CRYING
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting