Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

ㅤ

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”