They also CAN sing✌️
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Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Reporter: *ports again*
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
No one:
London landlords:
