They also CAN sing✌️
You Might Also Like
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’m Sold!
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”