They also CAN sing✌️
You Might Also Like
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Cats (2019)
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.