Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

My life in a nutshell

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.