they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
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[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Jesus Christ lmao
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.