They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
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[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Money is the root of all wealth
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
A new level of troll.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
constantly working on myself.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Me when I try to be useful
Only Americans understand
