They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
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Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur