They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
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I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???