Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.