Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?