They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
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Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
Tony Hawk, age 6
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what