Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

*power walks to the refrigerator*

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

no refunds

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

*at 5’s “restaurant”*

5: What can I get for you?

Me: Tacos.

5: We’re not Italian.

Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.

5: We’re Mexican.

Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?

5: We don’t have tacos.

I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.