‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
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*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”