Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

I’m dying louder than usual today.

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun