‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
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Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
SONOFA
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Succinctly put.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.