‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
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“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Spell check is for lasers.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.