They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
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I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.