They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
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I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”