They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
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How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
had to share :’)
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass