They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
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I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Good morning
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Ugh
