Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒