[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
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My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
wut hotdog?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.