Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

accurate

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second