Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.