“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
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I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.