“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
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Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]