They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
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Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Children of the corn 🌽
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.