They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”