Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

I only treason on days ending in y

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide