They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
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This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Living the best life.. 😊
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I love you to the refrigerator and back
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.