Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

*pronounces patio like ratio

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.