They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
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Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.