They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
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ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
😂😂😂
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.