They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️