They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
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With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets