They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
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the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
It’s Monday again and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*