Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know