They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
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When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.