Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

The only good comments section online is on recipes

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag