They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
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I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
lmao
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes